September 2011
8 posts
A Hypothetical:
You and a member of the Tea Party are the only two people left on the planet. Which animal do you have sex with?
I would definitly go for a sloth. They’d be by far the best at spooning.
1 tag
Gordon Ramsay dwarf porn lookalike eaten by... →
gee--sus asked: did you mean to misspell the "where"?...
divide-by-zero asked: YOU BACK!
March 2011
1 post
February 2011
10 posts
my hollywood pitch
We give Adam Sandler’s career a gritty reboot in the blockbuster sequal Punch Drunk Love 2: 2 Drunk 2 Punch
Fun Fact!
I like to name my colds, so I get a greater sense of achievement when I beat them. For example, I am currently fighting a ‘Steve’. FUCK YOU STEVE.
Arrested Developent creator tells us how to get a... →
Fun Fact!
Decorative umbrellas in cocktails are more usefull than you think. They make your drink look pretty, AND they tell you when you’ve had too many drinks. For example:
This is too many.
This happens about twice a week...
So today I learned to play Enter Sandman on ukulele (and yes, the first lesson is always how to spell ‘ukulele’). My housemates left me alone (the giddy fools!), so I decided I would rock out like a motherfucker. I got halfway through the chorus when I caught a glimpse in the mirror and realised I looked like an idiot with a midget guitar. A dirty idiot. So I spent the next twenty...
January 2011
18 posts
Things which I need to frequently remind myself of
Leaving a very hot hair straightener next to a can of hairspray is not so much “living on the edge” as “fucking stupid” and “transparently lazy”
you do not have food in the house. You have a series of incompatible ingredients which you will never eat
Not having cancerous moles doesn’t mean you “beat skin cancer”. It means that you avoided...
PornPuns [NSFW]
I realised how clean my blog has been as of late, a situation which I simply cannot allow. And so, please enjoy a list of the best porn-title puns I’ve ever heard.
In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon
The ShawSkank re-invention
Laurence of Her Labia
Das Booty
Glad-he-ate-her
Men in Blacks
The Wizard of Ahs
Sore
Riding Miss Daisy
Drill Bill
Aching Jaws
Poke-a-hot-ass
Phallus...
Something that has Always Bugged me
You know in films, when they reveal at the end of the second act that there’s a bomb? And no one knows how to diffuse it, and everyone’s all “Oh no, we’re all going to die!!” and then the hero remembers that his best friend happens to own a copy of the Bomb Encyclopaedia, so he calls his mate, and his mate’s all “cut the clue wire!”. The action hero...
An observation
Alanis Morisete’s Ironic is, in a metaphysical sense, an example of the correct usage of the word ironic. In that, it is ironic that a song called Ironic, and is based solely around giving examples of irony, contains exactly zero correct examples of irony. That slut.
December 2010
21 posts
When in doubt, go meta.
I have spent the last half an hour trying to think up jokes about christmas. It’s not going well. I keep shouting them out to my mum, who is really quite unimpressed with this whole matter. On top of this, my dad wants to enter into the conversation. My father is deaf in one ear, and has about 30% hearing in the other. The whole circus goes a bit like this:
“I’d like to ride in...
“I visited a friend in Leicester recently. It was 4am and we all ran around in a...”
– noel fielding (via loveboosh)
I have this argument about twice a week
Other People: How can you not like Avatar?
Me: How can you like it? The main character is clearly an evil agent of the USA secret services, working to create theatres of conflict on other planets so that the US can better exploit it's natural resources.
Other People: How the fuck did you get that from Avatar? Jake's just a marine
Me: He deliberatly shuts down any hope of interspecies diplomacy in favour of a land war that pits a race that invented nuclear weapons hundreds of years before the film, against a race that hasn't figured out 'pants' yet.How else do you explain it? By plunging the planet into a war, the company he works for is guarenteed to get some proper military back up. After the credits roll, the military shows up, rains hellfire and waits for the planet's surface to burn off. Then it's straight to the mines for some unobtanium. Jake probably made sure he stayed in the Na'vi body so that he could continue to politically anex the planet, just to make sure that the US gets to justify their military presence long after they've got what they came for. I
Other People: You make it really hard to be friends with you
Me: I understand.
New Word for the Day
Wikipedophile: one who becomes sexually aroused when wikipedia backs them up in an argument. Side note: 91% of wikipedophiles own iphones.